{2jtab: Movie Review}

Good grief, Charlie Brown, is this movie ever really awful dinner theatre offerings.  Uninspired and generally boring, Red Riding Hood plays out its tale of revenge as if it really were a dish best served cold - with no blood and no heart behind it.  Directed by Catherine Hardwicke (last seen twirling about in the director’s chair of Twilight), Red Riding Hood takes its fairy tale self and the subject of werewolves way too seriously to ever be effective with anything past its title sequence and drains this picture of any amount of sun and fun.

Adapted by David Johnson, the story (I use the word loosely) is the hokiest thing ever: Witches.  Werewolves.  Telepathy.  And to Grandma’s house we go.  Amanda Seyfried plays Valerie, the innocent young girl who happens to understand the musings of the werewolf in the woods.  She’s also visiting her grandmother in a town rather poorly named as (wait for it) Daggerhorn.

Hello?  Still with me?

If you aren’t, I don’t blame you.  Run from this.  Run now.  Run far.

For those of you who are, know that Gary Oldman stars (stars is an understatement, he damn near shouts every line so that you don’t fall asleep or walk out) in this wreck as Solomon, the town’s fearless werewolf hunter.  He also likes the idea of our innocent Valerie in a possum costume.  Of, forget it.  Just know that the story is a floundering mess of hormones and haunts.  Yes, it’s every bit of Hardwicke’s Twilight madness all over again and it sucks just as bad.

At the very least, I was hoping for some decent kill shots.  Wrong movie.  Hardwicke can’t even deliver on gigantic trees whereupon giant thorns grow.  I’d expect an impaling or two.  Please?  Nope, not here.  And, in spite of some snowy scenery, no drops of blood ever fall onto its china-white surface.  There's nothing of the sort.  The long-in-the-tooth physical appearance of the unfrightening werewolf is simply comical farce mistaken for subtle gruff from its designers.  A champion show terrier has more bite than this hollow bark.

Yawn.

Essentially, nothing really happens that generally lives up to the Brothers Grimm origins of the fairy tale.  Which leads me to wonder how the hell this thing even got a PG-13 rating.  For steaminess?  Because, if that's the case, I've seen more steam rise from a plate of white rice than in this tale of forbidden (how risque?!?!) love in which a poor girl can't decide from which bare-chested beau to partake of.

Toothless and timid, Hardwicke makes a solid case that she shouldn’t direct anything but hollow and vapid music videos.

{2jtab: Film Info}

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for violence and creature terror, and some sensuality.
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Writer: David Johnson
Cast: Amanda Seyfried; Gary Oldman; Billy Burke; Shiloh Fernandez; Max Irons
Genre: Fantasy | Horror | Mystery | Thriller
Memorable Movie Quote: "Until the blood moon wanes, you will never truly be safe."
Distributor: Warner Bros. Pictures
Tagline: Believe the legend. Beware the wolf.
Official Site: redridinghood.warnerbros.com
Release Date: March 11, 2011
Blu-ray Release Date: No details available

Plot Synopsis: In Red Riding Hood, Seyfried plays Valerie, a beautiful young woman torn between two men. She is in love with a brooding outsider, Peter (Shiloh Fernandez), but her parents have arranged for her to marry the wealthy Henry (Max Irons). Unwilling to lose each other, Valerie and Peter are planning to run away together when they learn that Valerie's older sister has been killed by the werewolf that prowls the dark forest surrounding their village. For years, the people have maintained an uneasy truce with the beast, offering the creature a monthly animal sacrifice. But under a blood red moon, the wolf has upped the stakes by taking a human life. Hungry for revenge, the people call on famed werewolf hunter, Father Solomon (Gary Oldman), to help them kill the wolf. But Solomon's arrival brings unintended consequences as he warns that the wolf, who takes human form by day, could be any one of them. As the death toll rises with each moon, Valerie begins to suspect that the werewolf could be someone she loves. As panic grips the town, Valerie discovers that she has a unique connection to the beast--one that inexorably draws them together, making her both suspect... and bait.

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