{2jtab: Movie Review}

Shark Night 3D


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0 stars


As a ravenous consumer of all things horror, I have seen the frightening, I have seen the exhilarating, I have seen the okay, the passable, and even the so bad its good; and every now and then I have seen the crap, the detestable, the waste of time and money. But this week, a new record and a new low has been found: not one but two films that fall into the newest category of why did they even bother to roll the camera? Shark Night 3D is one of these films…

Why in the name of a flea ridden monkey’s butt someone thought this crap was a good idea is beyond me, but the ‘story’ (being generous) follows a troupe of college kids who follow pretty little rich girl, Sara (Sara Paxton), back to her family’s palatial home in Louisiana. After an excruciatingly boring build up, they start being picked off one by one in the shark infested lake. Eventually, questions arise as to if this is simply nature at work, or something more sinister.

Where to begin? This film, at least in its marketing, was aimed at the T & A market: those that wanna set their brains to fun only, and watch some delectable bodies get eaten. A PG-13 version neuters any chance of keeping this audience. Perhaps then they provide some interesting characters to follow? Wrong again. They’re not characters at all, simple half note characters based on the worst kind of idiotic clichés ever committed to celluloid. What astounds this reviewer the most is that this film manages to spend almost half its running time setting these people up and they are still cardboard cut outs when stuff finally starts to happen. Maybe then there is some salvation in the sharks, the doom about to befall our lambs to the slaughter, and the gore? Not a drop. The sharks are overused, cheap CGI without about as much threat as Oprah with a water pistol and the gore is unoriginal and BLAND to say the least. Then maybe the 3D (UK version only) makes it palatable? Don’t be silly, poorly rendered digi-sharks jumping out at you like a cheap haunted house gimmick, and a few splattering shots, do not a good 3D movie make.

The actors are all attractive types and valiantly attempt to pull anything at all out of undeveloped characters. Being SO badly written, it may have worked in the film’s favour, come kill time, if the kills were the least bit interesting—getting rid of these insipidly stupid and boring people could have been a gas—but they even screwed that up.

With so many shots in this film ripped off from copious other shark thrillers, one would think they might, accidently at least, build some tension visually, but no—they manage only 80 minutes of paint by numbers filmmaking that would bore the most forgiving movie goer.

This film is directed by the same guy who gave us that spectacular opening carnage in Final Destination 2 and the under-rated thriller Cellular. I was in disbelief when I reviewed his film Asylum a few years back, but thought every filmmaker out there delivers a dud, stay with him. The Final Destination followed and was passable. This crap makes the always reviled Uwe Boll look competent, and has set a new low in what passes for a horror film.

I’ve spent enough time on this dud. Avoid like the plague, people. You will have a better time at a public execution.

{2jtab: Film Details}

Shark Night 3DMPAA Rating: PG-13 for violence and terror, disturbing images, sexual references, partial nudity, language and thematic material. UK - BBFC: 15
Director: David R. Ellis
: Will Hayes; Jesse Studenberg
Cast: Sara Paxton; Dustin Milligan; Chris Carmack; Katharine McPhee; Joel David Moore
Genre: Horror
Terror runs deep.
Memorable Movie Quote: "Maybe someone put them there."
Relativity Media
Official Site:
Release Date: September 2, 2011
DVD/Blu-ray Release Date:
January 3, 2012

Synopsis: A sexy summer weekend turns into a blood-soaked nightmare for a group of college students trapped on an island surrounded by voracious underwater predators in Shark Night 3D, a terrifying thrill ride from director David Ellis, featuring a red-hot young cast including Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmack, Joel David Moore, Chris Zylka and Katharine McPhee. Arriving by boat at her family's Louisiana lake island cabin, Sara (Sara Paxton) and her friends quickly strip down to their swimsuits for a weekend of fun in the sun. But when star football player Malik (Sinqua Walls) stumbles from the salt-water lake with his arm torn off, the party mood quickly evaporates. Assuming the injury was caused by a freak wake-boarding accident, the group realizes they have to get Malik to a hospital on the other side of the lake, and fast. But as they set out in a tiny speedboat, the college friends discover the lake has been stocked with hundreds of massive, flesh-eating sharks! As they face one grisly death after another, Sara and the others struggle desperately to fend off the sharks, get help and stay alive long enough to reach the safety of dry land.

{2jtab: Blu-ray Review}

Shark Night 3D

Component Grades

Blu-ray Disc
0 stars

3 Stars

Blu-ray Experience
1.5 Stars


Blu-ray Details:

Available on Blu-ray - January 3, 2012
Screen Formats: 1.85:1
: English
English: DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1
Discs: 50GB Blu-ray Disc; Single disc (1 BD); Blu-ray 3D
Playback: Region A Locked

Picture is solid, with slight gradation on sweeping vistas like the blue sky; a handsome looking film for the most part. Sound is awful; a bass heavy mix that drowns out dialogue (though if you really wanna hear these moron characters, I pity you). Extra features are the generic featurettes. The one large difference between the UK version reviews and the US version is 3D. For some reason, Fox robbed Americans of this in the third dimension. Let me assure you, Americans, a turd in the third dimension is still a turd.



  • None

Special Features:

  • Shark Attack! Kill Machine! (1080p, 5:43)
  • Shark Night's Survival Guide (1080p, 4:08)
  • Fake Sharks, Real Scares (1080p, 5:24): A featurette about the film's animatronic and CGI sharks.
  • Ellis' Island (1080p, 4:22)
  • Theatrical Trailer (1080p, 1:59)
  • Sneak Peeks (1080p, 10:10)

{2jtab: Trailer}