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Girls Just Wanna Have Blood - Movie Review

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Girls Just Wanna Have Blood

Babes! Boobs!  Booze!  The crude comedy running throughout this throwback flick screams for VHS aficionados to check it out.  Get ready to crank the SLEAZE-O-RAMA amps to 11!  With tongue planted firmly in its cheek, Girls Just Wanna Have Blood, a raunchy and relatively tasteless horror/comedy, brings the good ol’ bad times back to our VOD SINema!

" The crude comedy running throughout this throwback flick screams for VHS aficionados to check it out."


 

This is schlocky, horror fun through and through.  It’s exactly, thanks to its eccentric characters and its wicked sense of humor, what the demonic doctor ordered for anyone absolutely craving some late night entertainment that doesn’t suck.

Written and directed by Anthony Catanese (Sodomaniac, Hi-Death), Girls Just Wanna Have Blood opens with a trio of vampires - the lollipop-sucking Trish (Destyne Marshai) and her two blood-bonded BFFs April (Penny Praline) and Stacy (Gigi Gustin) - pleading with a convenience store clerk to let them have some beer.  “Don’t you want to make us feel gooooood,” they coo.  

The girls promise to make his night complete if he allows them to buy it.  Cut to the three of them grinding against him.  What follows is an orgy of blood as this poor schmuck finds out the hard way to not let vampires suck on anything below the belt.  OUCH! 

With scenes like this and others (most involving a trailer park gone wild with Joe Dirt-like hairdos), Girls Just Wanna Have Blood focuses on the plight of Jessica (Amanda Renee) as she tries to survive her worthless mother, Lucy (Bettina Skye).  Her mom is a prostitute; she’s also an alcoholic (among other things), and is banging her way from one bill to another.  It’s not enough to get her to stop her lifestyle, so Jessica has to watch her baby brother . . . 

. . . which is how she comes across April and her brood.  These girls used to live in castles, but now they stalk Trenton, New Jersey and are always on the lookout for new babes to add to their teenage bloodsuckin’ bimbos troop.  After a night of partying, they reveal themselves to Jessica and convince her, as a cheesy metal soundtrack plays, to join them.  Jessica, thanks to all the bullying she’s getting from some of the other trailer park gems who can’t get enough of calling her JessiC*NT, thinks this is the way to get her revenge.Girls Just Wanna Have Blood

Unfortunately, it also means she can’t grow with her baby brother.  And thus begins her path to get out of the vampire babysitters club with the help of a vampire hunter (Craig Kelly), a prono-loving dude who has been in love with her forever (Quentin Carpenter), and all the grizzled bikers who the girls have managed to piss off as they crisscross across town, from one pizza place to another, taking out their numbers with their bloodlust.  

Amateurish and completely unhinged with plenty of raunchy jokes and tons of titillation, Girls Just Wanna Have Blood manages to scream its way to the top of my party flick list while it offends everyone, including all the skanks and hoes who can’t seem to keep their white trash off the lawn, with its mission to entertain.

Wanna be UP all night?!  These bloodsucking babes want you to be.  Will you deny their requests?  Of course not!  Girls Just Wanna Have Blood after all.  It is now available through VOD from Wild Eye Releasing.

4/5 stars

Girls Just Wanna Have Blood

Blu-ray

Blu-ray Details:

Home Video Distributor:
Available on Blu-ray

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Girls Just Wanna Have Blood

MPAA Rating: Unrated.
Runtime:
94 mins
Director
: Anthony Catanese
Writer:
Anthony Catanese
Cast:
Gigi Gustin, Bettina Skye, Kirk Ponton
Genre
: Horror
Tagline:
Being a teenager sucks!
Memorable Movie Quote: "Im looking for a group of wampiresses"
Distributor:
Wild Eye Releasing
Official Site:
Release Date:
Premiering on DVD and VOD May 26.
DVD/Blu-ray Release Date:

Synopsis: When social outcast Jessica is accepted into a trio of teenage vampires, she finds herself thrust into a nocturnal world of murder, drugs and all-night parties as they stalk the patrons of local bars and clubs. Meanwhile, a mysterious, foreign vampire hunter searches the underworld in hopes of putting a stake right through their plan to party forever.

Girls Just Wanna Have Blood

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