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The VelociPastor (2019) - Blu-ray Review

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The Velocipastor

Your new favorite monster movie, clocking in at a zippy 75-minutes, will have you stomping your way toward extinction thanks to laughing so damn hard at its rubber-suited antics, its 1980s shock and schlock kicks, and its poor, poor production value.  Thankfully, there’s not a serious bone in The VelociPastor and that’s a damn good thing, too.  From beginning to end, this comedy – mixing martial arts, hookers, a man of the cloth, and the ability to transform into a dinosaur into a magical elixir of pure enjoyment – gets everything right.

"Like Kung Fury before it, The VelociPastor is an immediate cult classic."


Written and directed by Brenden Steere, The VelociPastor is the story of one man against a whole horde of angry ninjas when sudden personal tragedy has him questioning his faith.  It happened unexpectedly.  Having just wrapped up his sermon, Doug (a committed and absolutely hilarious Gregory James Cohan) steps outside to greet the sunshine and feel the warmth of the day.  He sees his parents and waves.  They wave back.  Suddenly, their car blows up and this man of the cloth is left with no mother and father.  All he has is memories of when they drove him to Pastor School and dropped him off.

Reeling from the loss, he is encouraged by Father Stewart (Daniel Steere) to travel to where God is not: China.  Doug does just that and discovers that China really is in the East.  But, hilariously enough, the China in this movie looks nothing like China (having been filmed in New York), but none of that stops this movie from going full Gonzo as Doug comes across a villager (Claire Hsu) who has been fatally wounded by Sam the White Ninja (Jesse Turits).  In her hand, she clutches an ancient power that, once passed on to Doug, gives him the ability to transform into an ass-kicking tyrannosaurus rex. 

Can Doug control this new-found ability enough to do good with it?  Maybe.  But it will take some taming from prostitute/doctor/lawyer Carol (Alyssa Kempinski), a séance from Father Stewart’s war buddy, Altair (Aurelio Voltaire), and a couple of exercising montages, and one loopy sex scene before this priest-turned-dinosaur learns the way of the three-fingered warrior.

Starring Gregory James Cohan, Alyssa Kempinski, Daniel Steere, Yang Jiechang, Jesse Turits, and Fernando Pacheco de Castro as a pimp named Frankie Mermaid, The VelociPastor is batshit crazy in all the right ways.  With transforming scenes that start with weird faces from Cohan, become enlarged (and obvious) gloved hands, and end up being the best-worst dinosaur costumes to ever grace the screen, The VelociPastor can’t help but be a total B-movie send-up of rock and schlock antics. The Velocipastor

Its tongue might be set firmly in its cheek as it sends some seriously hilarious tail swipes at an entire gang of ninjas, but The VelociPastor is serious about one thing: delivering some highly quotable lines of dialogue.  This is an instant classic for those who get what it is doing.  Like Kung Fury before it, The VelociPastor is an immediate cult classic. 

The film, released by Wild Eye Releasing, will be available on DVD and Digital on August 13th on streaming platforms such as iTunes, Comcast, Spectrum, Dish, Vudu, Amazon, Fandango and Sling.  A Blu-ray release will follow September 17.

Straight outta Nublar, a man of the claw returns to save your ass.

5/5 beers

The Velocipastor

Blu-ray

Blu-ray Details:

Home Video Distributor: Wild Eye Releasing
Available on Blu-ray
- September 17, 2019
Screen Formats: 1.85:1
Subtitles
: English SDH
Audio:
English: DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1
Discs: Blu-ray Disc; single disc; reversible slipcover
Region Encoding: Locked to Region A

Wild Eye Releasing puts The VelociPastor on blu-ray with grand results. Sure, this is a cracked-out, cheapo-depot flick but it is loaded with crisp images and solid punches thanks to its 1080p handling. And the roar of this priest by way of dinosaur is solid, too.

Video:

The over-the-top swagger of this B-minded love letter to all things camp and grindhouse(y) extends to the streetwise and backwoods (forests as Japan). The 1080p/AVC- encoded transfer is an impressive digitally handled picture – even the fake explosions look . . . fake. Fine detailed is practically overwhelming with the grains in the forest and fibers in the clothing being abundant. Flesh tones are warm and visually full of detail. The contrast is edged-up a bit (which is a good thing) and there are definite breaks in the colors and impressive shadows that are completely at play throughout the feature.

Sound:

The vivid sense of the picture continues deep into the soundtrack which is presented in a wonderfully vibrant lossless DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 surround track and fully showcases the ROAR of this pastor turned dinosaur.

Supplements:

Commentary:

  • There is a hilarious commentary that showcases the gonzo spirit of this B-movie as writer/director Steere, Cohan and Producer Brandon Taylor share the microphone to wax poetically about their hilarious movie.

Special Features:

Wild Eye Releasing give fans the goods with this blu-ray release. Loaded on the disc is the funny commentary, a collection of combined Q and A sessions, and a hilarious gag reel.

  • Audio Commentary
  • Gag Reel
  • Q & A Sessions

Blu-ray Rating:

  Movie 5/5 stars
  Video  4/5 stars
  Audio 4/5 stars
  Extras 4/5 stars

Overall Blu-ray Experience

3.5/5 stars

 

The Velocipastor

MPAA Rating: R.
Runtime:
83 mins
Director
: Brendan Steere
Writer:
Brendan Steere
Cast:
Alyssa Kempinski, Greg Cohan, Claire Hsu
Genre
: Horror
Tagline:
Evolution? Maybe.
Memorable Movie Quote: "The time you turned into a dinosaur and hurt someone."
Theatrical Distributor:
Wild Eye Releasing
Official Site:
Release Date:
On digital and DVD August 13
DVD/Blu-ray Release Date:
September 17, 2019
Synopsis: After a devastating family tragedy, a priest travels to China to find deeper spirituality, but instead is endowed with an ancient ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first, he is horrified by his newfound superpower, but a local prostitute convinces him to use his newfound gift to fight evil – and ninjas.

The Velocipastor

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