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The VelociPastor (2019) - Movie Review

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The Velocipastor

Your new favorite monster movie, clocking in at a zippy 75-minutes, will have you stomping your way toward extinction thanks to laughing so damn hard at its rubber-suited antics, its 1980s shock and schlock kicks, and its poor, poor production value.  Thankfully, there’s not a serious bone in The VelociPastor and that’s a damn good thing, too.  From beginning to end, this comedy – mixing martial arts, hookers, a man of the cloth, and the ability to transform into a dinosaur into a magical elixir of pure enjoyment – gets everything right.

"Like Kung Fury before it, The VelociPastor is an immediate cult classic."


Written and directed by Brenden Steere, The VelociPastor is the story of one man against a whole horde of angry ninjas when sudden personal tragedy has him questioning his faith.  It happened unexpectedly.  Having just wrapped up his sermon, Doug (a committed and absolutely hilarious Gregory James Cohan) steps outside to greet the sunshine and feel the warmth of the day.  He sees his parents and waves.  They wave back.  Suddenly, their car blows up and this man of the cloth is left with no mother and father.  All he has is memories of when they drove him to Pastor School and dropped him off.

Reeling from the loss, he is encouraged by Father Stewart (Daniel Steere) to travel to where God is not: China.  Doug does just that and discovers that China really is in the East.  But, hilariously enough, the China in this movie looks nothing like China (having been filmed in New York), but none of that stops this movie from going full Gonzo as Doug comes across a villager (Claire Hsu) who has been fatally wounded by Sam the White Ninja (Jesse Turits).  In her hand, she clutches an ancient power that, once passed on to Doug, gives him the ability to transform into an ass-kicking tyrannosaurus rex. 

Can Doug control this new-found ability enough to do good with it?  Maybe.  But it will take some taming from prostitute/doctor/lawyer Carol (Alyssa Kempinski), a séance from Father Stewart’s war buddy, Altair (Aurelio Voltaire), and a couple of exercising montages, and one loopy sex scene before this priest-turned-dinosaur learns the way of the three-fingered warrior.

Starring Gregory James Cohan, Alyssa Kempinski, Daniel Steere, Yang Jiechang, Jesse Turits, and Fernando Pacheco de Castro as a pimp named Frankie Mermaid, The VelociPastor is batshit crazy in all the right ways.  With transforming scenes that start with weird faces from Cohan, become enlarged (and obvious) gloved hands, and end up being the best-worst dinosaur costumes to ever grace the screen, The VelociPastor can’t help but be a total B-movie send-up of rock and schlock antics. The Velocipastor

Its tongue might be set firmly in its cheek as it sends some seriously hilarious tail swipes at an entire gang of ninjas, but The VelociPastor is serious about one thing: delivering some highly quotable lines of dialogue.  This is an instant classic for those who get what it is doing.  Like Kung Fury before it, The VelociPastor is an immediate cult classic. 

The film, released by Wild Eye Releasing, will be available on DVD and Digital on August 13th on streaming platforms such as iTunes, Comcast, Spectrum, Dish, Vudu, Amazon, Fandango and Sling.  A Blu-ray release will follow September 17.

Straight outta Nublar, a man of the claw returns to save your ass.

5/5 beers

The Velocipastor

Blu-ray

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The Velocipastor

MPAA Rating: R.
Runtime:
83 mins
Director
: Brendan Steere
Writer:
Brendan Steere
Cast:
Alyssa Kempinski, Greg Cohan, Claire Hsu
Genre
: Horror
Tagline:
Evolution? Maybe.
Memorable Movie Quote: "The time you turned into a dinosaur and hurt someone."
Theatrical Distributor:
Wild Eye Releasing
Official Site:
Release Date:
On digital and DVD August 13
DVD/Blu-ray Release Date:
On digital and DVD August 13
Synopsis: After a devastating family tragedy, a priest travels to China to find deeper spirituality, but instead is endowed with an ancient ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first, he is horrified by his newfound superpower, but a local prostitute convinces him to use his newfound gift to fight evil – and ninjas.

The Velocipastor

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