My Bloody Valentine 3D

Details: By Loron Hays; 24 April 2010

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</script></div>{/googleAds}The horror genre has many sub-genres within its generic video store shelf classification. You've got you slow and atmospheric ones, gothic classics, monster movies, gore fests - but it is the Slasher films of the 70's and 80's that seem to be the flavor of the minute to remake...

Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween, Friday the 13th, the abysmally bad Prom Night have all assaulted our screens in the first decade of the new century, and now Lionsgate have given former editor Patrick Lussier (director of â€˜The Eye' among other mediocre offerings) the reigns to cult Canadian R-Rater â€˜My Bloody Valentine' (embellished like a new flavor of cola with â€˜3D' on its title end). It may be this film above all others that adequately illustrates what a pointless, money-grubbing trend this remak-itus is for the studios to peddle and make a quick buck and boy are they!

â€˜Valentine 3D' tells the story (and I use the term generously) of Harry Warden; a nutcase miner that goes on a spree-killing when a mine shaft collapses on him and a few of his compatriots. He is shot by the local sheriff and is in a coma for a year before waking (of course) and returning to his mine to butcher a whole bunch of insipidly moronic teenage-like characters. They drink beer, they make a few weak innuendos, two (â€˜Supernatural''s Jenson Ackles and former â€˜Dawson Creek' fav Kerr Smith) don't like each other, and then the girls scream and people start dying graphically. AGAIN, Harry the nutcase is thwarted (supposedly permanently), and we jump 10 years. Suddenly, survivors (that we met for two seconds and don't give a rat's arse about yet) from Harry's second killing spree start meeting gory ends from a dude dressed like Harry. Kerr Smith - now the sheriff and Jenson Ackles, now an outsider to the town who left and just came back, still don't like each other, and start their own investigations into who or what is killing their old friends, etc and bla, bla, bla...

One would hope, should there be no choice but to remake, that there might be some originality, contemporary relevance, or inspired departure made to try and make it worth the effort. Not only does this piece of garbage rely solely on the gimmick of 3D to sell its carnival scares, it forgets that 25+ years have passed, there has been a series of successful films (Scream) cashing in on the fact that old Slasher film conventions are predictable, uninteresting, and mocked by the newer generations. It swims unashamedly in 80's cartoon horror waters, with terrible dialogue, borderline retarded characters with no development, awkward plotting, and shameless clichÃ©-riddled scenes that play like greatest hits tape for a pre-pubescent who needs major therapy. The actors range from painfully unaware to just in pain, getting through this muck.

The 3D effects are suitably advanced and on a big screen would probably account for the one reason to have a gander at this should you like a bit of splatter. But no matter how slick and shiny it may appear, nothing can disguise the complete lack of imagination this production delivers. This is unashamed Xeroxing, not filmmaking, at its very best. Don't waste your money, or this is all they will provide us in the future!