Well... where does one start? Film adaptation, I suppose. In this world of brand name recognition, where even people become franchises, and studios are ever-eager to throw their money at something they think already has a fanbase, anything with a recognizable title has a good shot at becoming a film these days...

Hollywood plunders from comics, old TV shows, novels, and, in the last 20+ years, they have grabbed from video games. Now this reviewer is from the era where this new art form/entertainment burgeoned, but he was not, and is not, particularly clued in when it comes to games (he sucks at video games, in fact). He did, however, immerse himself in the world of film and the major flaw of this particular film (and I use the word film gratingly) has been around for a very long time...

A film, no matter where its story originates, must stand on its own. So often these days one hears disappointed filmmakers bemoaning the reaction to their film, using the excuse: ‘but it’s adapted from this, so I had to do that’. The great Ang Lee, who right royally screwed Hulk with his ‘living comic book’ is one of the more high profile examples of someone who forget he wasn’t making a comic book—he was making a bloody film. D.O.A., which was arrogantly touted to be the first of a trilogy, may be the prime example to use for a filmmaker that is too busy trying to replicate the feel of a story’s source instead of trying to make it work in a new medium. Needless to say, there won’t be a second instalment.

D.O.A. tells the story, sorta, of three yummy women enticed into competing in a fight contest on a secret island against the best in the world. Of course, all is not what it seems, and as they predictably progress to the final bunch, secrets are revealed and they must set aside their mutual lust to be the best fighter and team up and do good guy shit.

This story does not have to be complicated, mind-blowing, and super-twisty, not anything other than fun. But, except for a non-discerning pre-pubescent, there isn’t a damn thing in here for anyone. The three main characters’ one note stories are literally laid out in the first five minutes as they are invited, game-style, to the fighting contest. The writing is puerile at best and the dialogue is painful to the ear. Direction includes how to take a five second video game insert of fighting and expand it to an hour and a half, and copious shots of Holly Valance’s feet and every girls’ vaginal area to add a little spice.

Acting is non-existent: this is a simple task for everyone to look pretty, learn their rather lacklustre choreography, stop for about 5 seconds to relay a line a chimpanzee could utter, and point their crotches to camera.

This film is a colossal waste of 20 million dollars.

Component Grades Movie DVD DVD Experience

Blu-ray Details:

Available on Blu-ray - August 17, 2010
Screen Formats: 2.39:1
Subtitles: English; Spanish
Audio: English: Dolby Digital 5.1; French: Dolby Digital 5.1
Discs: 25GB Blu-ray Disc; Single disc (1 BD)

Unlike the film that unfurls, the picture is extremely impressive in HD. The locations especially shine, and for that aforementioned ten year-old who wants to look at scantily clad hotties, they are captured in all their resplendent details. What also shows up in this crap-fest is some fairly poor CGI—at this resolution, all their sins are there to behold. Sound is equally impressive as the picture, and probably the only thing that successfully embodies and transitions from game-style to film-style. Underwhelming special features.

Supplements:

Commentaries:

• None

Featurettes:

• East Meets West (SD;11:02)

Deleted Scenes: (SD; 6:25)

Theatrical Trailer:

{pgomakase}