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Vampires Suck - Blu-ray Movie Review

Vampires Suck Movie Review

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Americans cannot do parody.  At all.  Vampires Suck, the glaringly obvious title of this "movie" says it all.  Yes, yes they do suck…especially in this disaster.  Let’s face it, the lack of cleverness in its title should be all you need to know about this little dumbass film.  From the makers of Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, and Epic Movie comes another epically unfunny disappointment.  Directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (it takes two to put this junk together?) are the kings of the obvious and, once again, attempt to make money pointing out things everybody else has thought of, joked about, or already spoofed.  Except, the wonder twins and now dimwitted “writers” can’t make it work.  Ever.

Basically, this film is a retelling of the original Twilight except, somehow, this overly long movie manages to make the first film a lot easier to tolerate.  Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) has returned to Sporks (yeah, sporks instead of forks), Washington, to live with her dad.  At school, she slo-moans over ghostly pale Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), only to find herself giving the “once bitten twice shy” looks to Jacob White (Chris Riggi)…instead of Black, get it?  Yeah, it isn’t hard to see where this film is going…nowhere fast.

The Twilight fans deserve to be made fun of.  We do it to Star Wars nerds and have done it to Trekkers all the time.  Twinkle-toed Twilites are no different.  Their manic obsessions deserve the mocking.  Yet, the “writing” team of Dumb and Dumber have no idea how to pull it off - except through violence.  Yeah, the two fan-obsessed Teams have a beat-down at the beginning of the film.  Let the unfunny begin.  I won’t lie, I personally think Twilites need to be teased mercilessly, yet this film does it in the least offensive manner.  And the Twilight series itself?  Equally treated with a heavy dose of unfunny by the “writing” team.  Of course, that’s assuming that you don’t think Jacob barking like a dog and chasing a cat is funny.  Or fifteen minutes of Black Eyed Peas references that work better in the trailer than in the movie.  Kudos to the trailer makers for making things absolutely look like they work.  For anyone who thought the same, know this: the joke is on you.

Oh, but wait until the “writing” team decides to send-up our pop culture when Vampires Suck runs out of Twilight gags.  Tiger Woods.  Jersey Shore.  The Jonas Brothers.  Add it up and you can see who the intended audience for this film is: mentally challenged fifteen-year-olds.  In spite of its R rating, the film is for the immature, the really, really, really, really immature among adults.  The only thing that makes this film a little more tolerable is a bit cameo by Ken Jeong, but even his scene-chomping skills as a vampire can’t save this film from being a complete waste of time and money.

Because there are much funnier spoofs of Twilight on Youtube, Vampires Suck is a bit too dated and draining an experience for its own good.  And what of Friedberg and Seltzer?  They can bite me.  Seriously.  They aren’t talented and, of course, that means they’ll surely survive to make another unfunny “movie” to inflict upon an unsuspecting public.

Component Grades

Blu-ray Disc

2 stars

Blu-ray Experience
1 Star


Blu-ray Details:

Available on Blu-ray - November 30, 2010
Screen Formats: 1.85:1
: English SDH, Spanish
English: DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1; French: Dolby Digital 5.1
Discs: 50GB Blu-ray Disc; Two-disc set (1 BD, 1 DVD); Digital copy (on disc); BD-Live


Deleted Scenes (1080p, 12:34): Includes nine excised sequences.

Gag Reel (1080p, 3:51): About as funny as the film.

Theatrical Trailer (1080p, 1:37)

Sneak Peaks (1080p, 4:47): Includes trailers for Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps and Cyrus.

BD-Live Exclusive



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